Cardinal Carlin Refuses Communion To Rick Santorum

Apr 23 2005 by Ross Bender

In the wake of the appointment of the new Pope, there are signs of a new wave of ecclesiastical discipline regarding life-style issues in American Catholicism. Pope "Eggs" Benedict XXX, a hard-line German conservative, is known to favor a crackdown on loose-living US Catholics who have for some decades defied the Church in matters of abortion, contraception and meatless Fridays.

On Sunday at the 10am mass at the Church of the False Assumption in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, visiting Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) was formally denied communion. Cardinal George Carlin, head of the Cherry Hill Archdiocese and charismatic founder of the Catholicism WOW movement, stated that certain of the Senator's "positions" were in conflict with the teaching of the Church.

"Number one, he supports the war in Iraq, and according to the Holy Father that's a no-no. Number two, he supports capital punishment, especially for faggots, and that is directly contrary to Catholic doctrine. Number Three, a few things came up in the confessional about this 'man-on-dog' thing and I'm afraid he's gonna have to have a little talk with a coupla suffragan bishops about that one."

The controversial Senator, a life-long Catholic, is known to have unusual views about sodomy laws. In a now infamous 2003 interview with the Associated Press, he condemned "so-called privacy laws" and forcefully stated that "the liberals and homos" were "probably" doing "really filthy and disgusting stuff" in the privacy of their own homes.

When asked to speculate about the "stuff," he responded enthusiastically: "Oh, you know, that man-on-dog, man-on-child stuff. With strap-ons and dildos and coathangers. Maybe using certain large elongated vegetables."

Santorum also blamed "the pansies and liberals" for the pederasty scandals in the Catholic Church. "Those juicy young jailbait altar boys were just asking for it, you know. And it wasn't like these were five-year olds. These priests were having sex with post-pubescent young men - well-hung teenagers. Consensual sex. I blame the liberals."

In his morning homily, Cardinal Carlin stressed that "there is mercy for even the most depraved" and advised deviant American Catholics to study up on their dogma.

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