US Almost Captures Bin Laden; iPod Yielding Intelligence

Apr 28 2005 by Ross Bender

General Richard Myers told the Senate Intelligence Committee today that US forces narrowly missed capturing Osama bin Laden last month at an exclusive resort in Kenya.

"We almost got him this time. However, we did catch his butler, his masseuse, members of his kitchen staff, his laptop and his iPod, and intelligence specialists are working on them now."

According to unnamed CIA sources, the madcap Muslim fundamentalist has become bored hiding out in the mountains along the Afghan-Pakistan border, and sporadically makes trips by private jet to visit discos and nightclubs in the Middle East and Africa.

Photographers for People Magazine shadowing Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie notified American authorities when they noticed the tall bearded Arab lounging by the pool at a luxury hideaway near Nairobi.

Myers would not reveal the contents of bin Laden's laptop, although he did say that it contained several thousand illegally downloaded DVDs. He noted that neurolinguists and glottopsychiatrists at the CIA were using supercomputers to analyze the terrorist leader's iPod playlists. Computerized linguistic analysis will be used to pinpoint Osama's cinematic and musical tastes in an effort to determine where he might surface next.

Mark Ramsbottom, a cognitive scientist at the University of North Dakota at Dread Fork explained that powerful computers can now be used to "datamine" huge tracts of digital information, using "pattern recognition" to investigate the terrorist's tastes.

"We look for correlations. For example, it's very significant that Osama showed up at a resort favored by Pitt and Jolie. Osama's captured laptop has a pirated copy of their new movie "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," which features an Algerian assassin. So we've advised Homeland Security to post agents at the opening nights of this movie in June to watch for bin Laden. Also, when the film opens in Algeria, there will be Special Ops teams on the lookout.

"Now that we've got bin Laden's laptop and iPod, it's only a matter of time before we smoke him out. And if the computer analysis doesn't help us find him, we can always interrogate the [expletive deleted] out of his masseuse."

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