FDA Bans Gay Sperm Donations

May 17 2005 by Ross Bender

In controversial new rules, the Food and Drug Administration has banned donations to sperm banks by gay men.

"With an anonymous sperm donor, you just can't be too careful," said Eleanor Nicoll, spokeswoman for the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. "Now that science has verified the existence of the dread 'gay gene,' we don't want to have perfectly normal families suddenly hatching homosexual children by mistake."

Nicoll went on to say that the FDA guidelines include rigorous testing and questionnaires to establish whether would-be donors are gay or straight.

"We use the standard tests like the Myers-Briggs, but also newer inventories like the Hutcherson Gay Quotient, which screen for the least bit of kinkiness. By asking subtle questions like 'Have you had unprotected gay sex within the last five years?' we can generally screen out all the fairies."

The Hutcherson Gay Quotient is named after the Mighty Reverend Doctor Ken Hutcherson, pastor of Antioch Bible Church in Kirkland, Washington. Hutcherson is a former NFL linebacker who goes fishing with Rush Limbaugh and bites the ears off of Whippets.

In a recent standoff with Microsoft, he personally forced Bill Gates to change his mind and withdraw support for a gay rights bill in the Washington State Legislature. Known as "God's Intimidator," Dr. Hutcherson stands 6'2" and weighs 260 pounds. In the pulpit he has compared himself favorably to Wayne Gretzky, David Beckham, Attila the Hun, and Pope John Paul II.

Informed on Saturday that Microsoft had changed its mind and will now back the contentious gay rights legislation, Dr. Hutcherson growled "Abomination of abominations! Liberal flip-floppers! Devil be workin' overtime! Frankly, I'm not too sure about that guy Gates. Oh I know he passes for straight - married with kids and all that, but hell, he went to Harvard and you never know what he be doing on the down low. Gonna challenge him to come over here to Antioch Bible Church and take the Myers-Briggs and the HGQ with a lie detector strapped to his body."

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