At Newsweek, Ritual Suicides and Flagellation

May 20 2005 by Ross Bender

One hundred and thirty-seven Newsweek editors, interns and proofreaders committed hara-kiri today to atone for the magazine's errors in reporting that CIA interrogators at Guantanamo Bay flushed the Koran down the toilet.

The totally erroneous report touched off waves of anti-American protests, flag-burnings and hysterical dervish dancing in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Indonesia, Malaysia, and the Maldive Islands.

Michael Isikoff, author of the inflammatory story, refused to kill himself, and stood by his story. He explained that his anonymous source was Jeff Gannon, male escort, military stud and former White House correspondent who "apparently changed his mind" after the piece was printed. Newsweek has reassigned Isikoff to a position cleaning executive bathrooms with his tongue, although at no reduction in salary.

In a similar scandal involving the biased anti-government liberal media last fall, Dan Rather sliced off his pinkie and resigned from CBS News. Since that time, the once popular radical leftist TV news program 60 Minutes has been running continuous footage of President Bush's bicycle rides in various national parks, carefully erasing the alleged incidents in which the President allegedly fell off his bike.

Newsweek has instituted morning flagellation and Bible study sessions and has pledged itself to print only news favorable to the White House, the Christian Coalition and Focus on the Family. Last week's cover featured a hitherto secret photo of Osama bin Laden wiping his bum with the Wall Street Journal.

The photo sparked a minor riot among investment bankers in New York's financial district, with the Journal's editorial staff flushing copies of Newsweek and Time down the toilet, and lynching several New York Times reporters who happened to be lunching in the area.

In a related story, CNN News has ceased publication of its daily listing of coalition casualties in Iraq, stating that its editors now realize this was "unpatriotic." It has also revised its number of American dead from 1,626 down to 13, saying that sources for the previous number could not be verified.

Ross Bender's Deadbrains

Ross Bender, Crazy Mennonite