At Gitmo, Jennifer Lopez to Head Lap-Dancer Squad

Jul 17 2005 by Ross Bender

Jennifer Lopez, interim Chairman of the Federal Reserve, announced today she is taking a leave of absence in order to head a squad of lap-dancers participating in the ongoing interrogations of 500 prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

Attired only in a fur coat and an expansive red, white and blue thong which accented, rather than concealed, her voluptuous bum, the pop diva and financial wizard stated breathily at a news conference, "I'm doing it for my country."

Female interrogators have for several years played heroic roles in the interrogation and degradation of Arab and French prisoners in the detention center at Gitmo, which is well-known around the world as a transparent model of modern U.S. penal facilities.

This week, U.S. Air Force General Randall Schmidt, the senior officer in the military's investigation of alleged abuses, told the Senate Armed Services Committee that he had found no evidence of "inhumane treatment" at Guantanamo Bay.

When committee Chairman John Warner (R-VA) asked General Schmidt if being forced to dress in lingerie and bark like a dog was not in fact "degrading and abusive treatment," Schmidt replied: "Yes sir. Degrading and abusive, but not inhumane."

Lopez said she will lead a team consisting of Lindsay Lohan, Lynndie England, and Condoleezza Rice, who will "just come down on weekends. We realize that Condi has more pressing duties elsewhere in the world, but we're grateful she can join us on Saturdays in her dominatrix outfit. That catsuit just drives those Muslims crazy."

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