Rumsfeld Renames "War On Terror", Calls for "Kinder, Gentler Struggle"

Aug 1 2005 by Ross Bender

Secretary of Defense Donald "Napoleon" Rumsfeld has adopted "new language" for the Administration's "War on Terror," renaming it to "God's Compassionate Global Struggle Against the Enemies of Civilization."

The Pentagon adopted the new language after complaints from the Joint Chiefs of Staff that the "war on terrorism" language was leading Americans to wonder when the "war" would be over, and why the American military didn't seem to be making any progress in winning it.

After a contest sponsored by conservative think-tanks including the Heritage Foundation for a "more effective branding," the new label has been approved for use by right-wing religious fanatics and Administration spokespersons.

Runners-up in the contest included "Tough Love Campaign Against Violent Ragheads" and "Longterm Diplomatic, Economic, and Military Tussle With Evil-Doing Camel-Jockeys."

New opinion polls have shown Americans increasingly pessimistic about the "mission" in Iraq and dubious about the Bush Administration's reasons for taking the country into an open-ended "war" over nonexistent weapons of mass destruction, aluminum tubes and yellow cakes. Steven J. Hadley, the National Security Adviser, said in a telephone interview that "we need to dispute both the gloomy vision and offer a positive alternative. This new branding campaign should help the American people to readjust their focus."

White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters that "the President has been doing a lot of thinking about this, and the new brand reflects his thinking that the mission against evil-doers is probably a long-term thing. It's hard work combating the enemies of freedom and civilization, the Evil Axis, the dusky lustful Arabs with scimitars, and the Democrats in Congress, and the President understands that."

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