American Economy Collapses, Killing Several in North Dakota

Sep 6 2005 by Ross Bender

The US economy collapsed on Sunday, triggering the suicides of three people in Dread Fork, North Dakota, but without other noticeable damage.

Economists said that the simultaneous bursting of the housing bubble, the final retirement of Alan Greenspan, and massive call-ins of debt by China and South Korea were the likely causes.

Due to the horrendous aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and the fact that most Americans were on the highways during the final holiday weekend of summer, the financial collapse went largely unnoticed.

Investment analyst George Hayashibashi of Pookie and Sebastian Securities in New York used a metaphor to describe precisely what had happened.

"It's rike, you know, to use a figure of speech, some teen-aged boy is jerking off in his bedroom, watching the Pamera Anderson home video and getting into his infratable doll, when all at once three things happen simultaneously the doll springs a leak, his mom walks into the room, and his election goes down the tubes. Not uncommon, not a major tragedy, but it will probably have some effects on the average American family in the months to come."

In the Alzheimer's Unit at Walter Reed Army Hospital, Alan Greenspan finally succeeded in filling out the paperwork officially signaling his retirement as Chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank, with trophy wife Andrea Mitchell helping him hold the pen.

New Fed Head Jennifer Lopez, getting her bum waxed in the Bahamas, was unavailable for comment. Sources at the Fed said that due to the holiday weekend, it would probably be Tuesday before the bank could print up more money.

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