Bush Suspects Leaking Leaker May Not Be Found

Oct 12 2003 by Ross Bender

In a news conference today, President Bush expressed doubt that the leaking leaker or leakers who leaked the name of former Ambassador Joseph Wilson's wife, a CIA asset, to the media, might ever be found. "Sure I'd like to find this leaking leaker," said the President. "I'd take this senior administration official to the woodshed, for sure. Leaking the information that Valerie Plame, CIA employee and wife of that unpatriotic rotten Ambassador Wilson who questioned my veracity in the matter of Tastycakes for Iraq is a CIA employee is just not right. But here's how it is. You media people leak leaks for a livin'. How many times have we found the leaking sources of the unpatriotic leaking leakers? Answer: none."

Press Secretary Scott McClellan gently elbowed the President to the side of the podium and denied strenuously that either Karl Rove, advisor to the President, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Jr., assistant to elusive Vice-President Cheney, or Elliot Abrams, leftover war criminal from the Reagan Administration, had been involved in the leaks. Neither Libby, Jr. nor Abrams had previously been suspected in leaking the identity of a CIA asset, a federal offense.

Meanwhile, President Bush has extended the deadline for submitting diaries, emails, memos and other incriminating evidence to the Justice Department. Over 2,000 White House employees worked busily past midnight Saturday shredding, burning and hiding the evidence in shoeboxes.

Columnist Robert Novak is in federal custody at ?Camp X-Ray? in Guantanamo Bay. Novak published the name of Valerie Plame, CIA employee and wife of former Ambassador Wilson, and identified her as a CIA employee in a July 14 newspaper column. He is currently wearing a bag over his head and undergoing interrogation 24/7 by a crack team of CIA interrogators.

The Central Intelligence Agency is reportedly "fuming" about the public disclosure of a CIA asset. Director George Tenet vowed to "nail Novak's ass to his head", Agency slang for giving someone a very hard time and ensuring they are "truly sorry" and will never do it again.


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