Hurricanes Show God Loves White, Rich People Best, Say Theologians

Sep 28 2005 by Ross Bender

In the wake of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, theologians are pointing out the differences in the effects of the two catastrophic storms.

"Jist goes to show what we already knew," said the Rev. Dr. Gresham Ramsbottom, Professor of Signs, Wonders and Intelligent Design at Bob Jones University. "God has a preference for rich white people. Who got hit the worst? It war them devil-worshipping Catholics and voodoos down in Nawleans, most of whom were black, or at least darkies. Jist goes to show that them so-called Liberation Theologians and pinko Episcopalian faggots got it all wrong, donit?"

Governor Rick Perry of Texas, who asked the nation to pray for his state before Rita hit, expressed his thanks to God, President Bush and the American people for the relatively small loss of life in Texas in the wake of the hurricane. "Hell," he said, "don't know what God my good friend [Louisiana Governor] Kathleen Babineaux Blanco was praying to, but with a name like that, mightta bin some French Catholic type o' God. Anyhow, the results speak for theyselves."

Mayor Bill White of Houston was quick to compare what he called the "massive but orderly evacuation" of Houston with the disastrous mess in New Orleans before Hurricane Katrina. "My good friend Mayor Negro I mean Nagin of New Orleans sorta showed the nation how not to conduct an emergency. Don't wanna rub it in or anything, but y'all can notice why they ain't a whole lot of colored football coaches or quarterbacks in the NFL."

In New Orleans, Hindu Judge Rawalpindi Gaddadavidanandananda said that he was immediately converting to Christianity. "That damn hurricane wiped out my heathen temple but left the White Fire-Baptized Holiness Church down the street 100% intact. I'll certainly be showing up at their services next Sunday, if I don't find a good Southern Baptist church sooner."

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