Tom DeLay Only "Slightly Nervous" Over Prospect of Jail Time

Oct 5 2005 by Ross Bender

Indicted Congressman Tom DeLay (R-TX) said today he was only "slightly nervous" over the prospect of going to jail, and "trusted God" that he would be vindicated.

On the new Fox TV interview show "Meet the Indictees," DeLay was asked by Britney Hume what he would do if approached by a "large black prisoner" asking for sex. DeLay said, "Well, I guess I'd just have to ask myself 'What would Jesus do?' Of course, this is all hypothetical, since I have no intention of going to jail. Heh."

Special Guest Leroy "Backdoorman" Brown, President of the Large Black Prisoners Association, assured DeLay he would have nothing to fear in prison. "Dude, you got a face like a [expletive deleted] fish, man. You ugly as sin. No self-respecting brother gonna want *you* for no prison wife. Shee-it, we couldn't even *rent* you out for fitty cent an hour."

Brown did say that other incoming prisoners should probably not be so sanguine.

"Like that big fat [ex-Tyco CEO] Kozlowski. Some large black guys really go for that hairless look, know what I'm sayin'? Also, if Bill Bennett ever goes to jail, some of the dudes might wanna have a few words with him about that 'aborting colored children' comment before getting medieval on his heinie. Course the Mafia prolly gonna get to him first, over his gambling debts."

Hume, sucking the end of his pencil and only slightly frothing, asked if the LBPA was looking forward to any other indictments. Brown replied that his personal choice would be White House advisor Karl Rove.

"That dude fat face just screamin' '[expletive deleted] me!', man. I know a lot of the brothers feel the same way. We're just waiting for the Federal Prosecutor to finish up his work and hand down some mo' indictments."

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Ross Bender, Crazy Mennonite