J-Lo "Pissed" at Losing Fed Slot to Bernanke

Nov 16 2005 by Ross Bender

"I am SO pissed" at losing the position of Federal Reserve Bank Chairman, said Jennifer Lopez today through a spokesman. Lopez, who had been serving as interim Fed Head during Alan Greenspan's senility, had reportedly expected a permanent appointment to the job.

However, on October 24 President Bush appointed Princeton University professor Ben Bernanke, who had been serving as the Chairman of his Council of Economic Advisors.

Lopez's agent repeated that "Ms. Lopez is SO TOTALLY honked off at losing her job to that humpty little Ivy League sh**weasel." J-Lo could not be reached in person for comments, as she was off having her bum waxed in Aruba.

Lopez also strenuously denied through her spokesman that she had ever offered President Bush a "hum-job" in return for a permanent appointment to the prestigious post. The Washington Post had reported rumors that Lopez had offered "inducements" through indicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff.

Email traffic between Abramoff and indicted Republican whip Tom DeLay reportedly included references to a "J-Lo bottom" and "a hummer," although White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan claimed that the "hummer" referred to in the email was not a sex act but an SUV manufactured by General Motors.

McClellan also strenuously denied that President Bush had arranged a meeting with Gabon President Omar Bongo as a favor to Abramoff, who reportedly received $9 million from the West African leader.

"President Bush is the leader of the most powerful nation in the world, and any suggestion that he needs to receive money under the table for a hum job from the King of Bongo Congo is absolutely despicable," said McClellan. The transcript of the White House briefing was later altered to read "Hummer" in place of "hum job."

Ross Bender's Deadbrains


Ross Bender, Crazy Mennonite