Schwarzenegger Auctions Tookie's Penis, Kidneys to Balance California Budget

Dec 16 2005 by Ross Bender

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today that he will put the penis, kidneys, liver and other vital organs of the recently deceased Crips gang founder Stanley "Tookie" Williams up for auction on eBay in an effort to balance the state budget.

Schwarzenegger recently returned from a trip to China where he was impressed by the "harvesting" of organs from executed prisoners for sale on the international black market for transplants.

"It vas fantastic," said the enthusiastic Governor, speaking to the California Farm Bureau Federation's 87th Annual Meeting in Monterey. "Der Chinks simply don't let anything go to vaste. Chust think - Tookie's dickie all by itself could provide agricultural subsidies for Santa Monica for a whole year."

In special elections last month, Schwarzenegger propositioned the voters to legalize frotteurism, transcendental levitation, alternate side of the street parking, over-the-counter triglycerides, subliminal ass-grabbing, 200-year mortgages, cheeseparing, long division, botulism, unlicensed water taxis, imported hair extensions, Sunday mud-wrestling, and man-on-dog sex.

All seventeen propositions were soundly defeated, some by margins of as high as 20 percent. His high-profile rejection of clemency for Williams was seen by some observers as an attempt to recapture the political initiative and shore up his sagging grassroots conservative base.

The controversial execution, which lasted for 27 hours as executioners searched for a vein in which to inject lethal serum, was opposed by protestors as disparate as rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg, South African Bishop Desmond Tutu, Joan Baez, Bianca Jagger, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, and the late Estes Kefauver.

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