In Election Surprise, Iraqis Choose Jennifer Aniston

Dec 21 2005 by Ross Bender

In a remarkable surprise ending to the long-awaited Iraqi Presidential elections, American actress Jennifer Aniston easily outpolled the opposition in what is shaping up as a landslide. Although all votes will not be counted for several years, exit polls were showing Aniston with 78% of the votes in the greater Baghdad metropolitan area, and strong performances in some outlying provinces as well.

Aniston did well among Shiites, Kurds and Sunni men, Shiite soccer moms, minority Turkomens and even Assyrian Christians, who were expected to vote heavily for Pamela Anderson. Boris Johnson, who did well in Basra, was running a distant second.

UN observers reported a surprising lack of violence in the run-up to the election, although there were some reports of high levels of Xanax in the water supply of major Iraqi cities.

Man on the street Ahmed Chalabi-al-Wallabee commented: "Ever since I saw the picture on the cover of GQ, I knew she was the babe for me. Heh."

Aniston's picture has been featured prominently in the Iraqi press for the past few months, although Pentagon sources denied that the American military had paid Iraqi journalists to plant favorable stories about the actress and perky teen heart-throb.

The only hint of dissatisfaction with the election results came as the al-Mahdi Army of Muqtada Sadr Sadr Fo-Fadr Banana-banana Bo Badr blew up several McDonald's restaurants and an oil field in Najaf. A spokesman for Bo Badr said that while "Jen has a nice rack and a pleasing personality, all in all we would have preferred Angelina Jolie."

Ross Bender's Deadbrains

Ross Bender, Crazy Mennonite