Know your type! There are no "right" or "wrong" answers to these questions, written in incredibly lame prose in the last century by old ladies. Your answers will help show how you like to look at things, whether you will (A) get the job or (B) not get the job, (C) be sent to Guantanamo or (D) Abu Ghraib or (E) prefer Pepsi to Coke. Knowing your own preferences and learning about other people's can help your bosses understand how to better manipulate you, and how different preferences can be valuable in capitalist society.
Read each question carefully and mark your answer on the separate answer sheet. Try not to fall asleep while reading these quaint, antiquated questions and answers. Do not think too long about any question. You will be automatically prompted by an electric shock if you doze off.

PART I. Which Answer Comes Closer to Telling How You Usually Feel or Act?

1. When you go somewhere for the day, would you rather
(A) go wherever Microsoft takes me, or
(B) Walmart?

2. If you were a teacher, would you rather teach
(A) "fact courses" or
(B) phenomenological cognitive science?

3. Are you usually
(A) A "good mixer" or
(B) Rather quiet, reserved, and homicidal?

4. Do you usually get along better with
(A) Imaginative people or
(B) Experimental psychologists?

5. Do you more often let
(A) Your heart rule your head or
(B) Your liver rule your heart or
(C) Your gall bladder rule your appendix?

6. When you are with a group of people, would you usually rather
(A) Go cowtipping or
(B) Have group sex or
(C) Do crossword puzzles?

7. Does following a schedule give you
(A) Menstrual cramps or
(B) Hemorrhoids?

8. Do you tend to have
(A) Casual sex with a very few people or
(B) Casual sex with many different people?

9. Does the idea of making a list of what you should get done over a weekend
(A) Appeal to you or
(B) Leave you cold or
(C) Positively depress you?

10. All other things being equal, would you rather have sex with
(A) A clinical psychologist or
(B) A Jungian psychoanalyst or
(C) An Alsatian wolfhound?

11. In your daily work, do you
(A) Dream of strangling your boss with a scarf or
(B) Love to work under pressure?

12. Given a choice of late medieval heresies, would you prefer to be
(A) A Cathar or
(B) A Waldensian?

13. When you have a special job to do, do you like to
(A) Organize it carefully before you start or
(B) Leave it to the servants?

14. For home defense, do you prefer
(A) A Sig-Sauer pistol or
(B) A Bulgarian Shipka submachine gun?

15. In reading for pleasure, do you
(A) Spell each word out loud slowly or
(B) Skip ahead to the naughty bits?

16. In doing something that many other people do, does it appeal to you more to
(A) Do it in the accepted way or
(B) Do it on the floor?

PART II. Which Word in Each Pair Appeals to You More?
Think what the words mean, not how they look or how they sound.

17. (A) scheduled -- asparagus (B)

18. (A) erect -- firm (B)

19. (A) facts -- contusions (B)

20. (A) ineffable -- feeling (B)

21. (A) hearty -- escalator (B)

22. (A) convincing -- jukebox (B)

23. (A) riboflavin -- concept (B)

24. (A) analyze -- potatoes (B)

25. (A) pineapple -- lightbulb (B)

26. (A) systematic -- terminator (B)

27. (A) justice -- semantics (B)

28. (A) proposition -- blowjob (B)

29. (A) compassion -- mercy (B)

30. (A) systematic -- foreskin (B)

31. (A) calm -- idiot (B)

32. (A) benefits -- Neanderthal (B)

33. (A) esophagus -- certainty (B)

34. (A) determined -- salamander (B)

35. (A) literal -- backbone (B)

36. (A) firm-minded -- nipples (B)

37. (A) alabaster -- quicksand (B)

38. (A) pacemaker -- ovoid (B)

39. (A) make -- boom-box (B)

40. (A) soft -- junkie (B)

41. (A) sensible -- sherbet (B)

42. (A) meandering -- hydrogen (B)

43. (A) production -- pederast (B)

44. (A) impulse -- gastronome (B)

45. (A) who -- myopic (B)

46. (A) uncritical -- fellatio (B)

47. (A) paranoid -- invert (B)

48. (A) orderly -- midwife (B)

PART III. Which Answer Comes Closer to Telling How You Usually Feel or Act?

49. Would you say you
(A) get more enthusiastic about things than the average person or
(B) get less excited about things than the average person?

50. Do you feel it is a worse fault to be
(A) Unsympathetic or
(B) Terribly introverted?

51. Do you
(A) Rather prefer to do things at the last minute or
(B) Leave it to the servants?

52. At parties, do you
(A) Sometimes get bored or
(B) Sometimes have fun?

53. Do you think keeping a pet boa constrictor is
(A) Necessary or
(B) Optional?

54. When you think of some little thing you should do or buy, do you
(A) Often forget it till much later or
(B) Rape the bosslady or
(C) Usually get it down on paper to remind yourself?

55. Are you
(A) Easy to get to know or
(B) A paranoid schizophrenic?

56. In your way of living, do you prefer to be
(A) Lightbulb or
(B) Schoolbus?

57. Is it harder for you to adapt to
(A) Tequila or
(B) Alligators?

58. Do you think it more important to be able to
(A) Adjust to the facts as they are or
(B) Rape the bosslady?

59. Do you think the people close to you know how you feel
(A) About most things or
(B) Intimate nightwear?

60. Would you rather work under someone who is
(A) Dominant or
(B) Submissive?

61. Do you feel it is a worse fault
(A) To show too much warmth or
(B) To fondle the bosslady's thighs?

62. When you are at a party, do you like to
(A) Salivate or
(B) Perform the Viennese Oyster?

63. After being with superstitious people, have you
(A) Changed your vibrator batteries or
(B) Taken out a second mortgage?

64. Are such emotional "ups and downs" as you may feel
(A) Exceptionally hysterical or
(B) Par for the course?

65. In your home life, when you come to the end of some undertaking, are you
(A) More likely to rape the bosslady or
(B) Set the roof on fire?

66. If a breakdown or mix-up halted a job on which you and a lot of others were working, would your impulse be to
(A) Get a body shampoo from a Croatian cutie or
(B) Shoot all your co-workers?

67. When you don't agree with what has just been said, do you usually
(A) "let it go" or
(B) Smack your interlocutor up against the side of the haid?

68. When playing canasta, do you enjoy most
(A) The sociability or
(B) Strip canasta or
(C) Cheating or
(D) Don't you enjoy playing cards?

69. Would you be more willing to take on a heavy load of extra work for the sake of
(A) Extra comforts and luxuries or
(B) Pleasing your employer?

70. When you don't approve of the way a friend is acting, do you
(A) Wait and see what happens or
(B) Smack the motherfucker up against the side of the haid?

71. Has it been your experience that you
(A) Often fall in love with a notion or project that turns out to be a disappointment so that you "go up like a rocket and come down like a stick" or
(B) Could you repeat the question in English, dude? Without the phrasebook?

72. When you are helping in a group undertaking, are you more often struck by
(A) The cooperation or
(B) The total lunacy or
(C) Don't you get involved in group undertakings?

73. When you run into an unexpected difficulty in something you are doing, do you feel it to be
(A) Bitch, is you crazy? or
(B) Yo, bitch, has you got something stuck in yo prefrontal cortex? or
(C) Bitch, where you learn to talk like that?


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