Saturday Afternoon Special screening of "Cassidy on a Ledge" at the local Rave Motion Picture House, starring Sam Worthington as Nick Cassidy, Jamie Bell as Joey Cassidy, and a special appearance of Kyle Cassidy as himself. Big Macs with Super-Sized Fries and Shakes at the McDonalds across the corner, then on to "The Bowl" in Clark Park for the special midwinter Mudwrestling Gala and Fertility Rites, where naked youth of the village writhe in the mud while Amish Druid Elders sprinkle seeds and perform chants for a good hemp crop in the New Year. Saturday Night After dark we repaired to the Best Wurst House across Baltimore Ave for several 40s of malt liquor and some wursts and pizza, then it was off to the Yuppie Torchlight Parade to Amy Gutmann's mansion. Every year, Amy, president of University of Pennsylvania, affectionately known as "The Bottom of the Ivies" and NOT to be confused with Penn State, blesses the Yuppie children who will soon be vying for admission to Kindergarten at the Penn Alexander School on the edge of campus. Sunday An annual highlight at Amy's mansion is the Penn Pride Pinata, when blindfolded children swing styrofoam swords to break the Pinata, which scatters hundred dollar bills, or "Benjamins" in the quaint argot of the Village, to the squealing kiddies and their parents. After Amy shouts "Mazel Tov, and may the best-connected win!" she blows the chauffeur and the parade winds down Locust Street for an all-night vigil outside Penn Alexander. If you can stay up all night, as we did, the doors open at 9am when the first 51 children or their parents are "admitted". The rest commit ritual suicide on the school grounds, while the other Yuppies chant "Losers! Losers!" Not for the faint-hearted, but we got some excellent photos which are up on our Photobucket. Monday Morning After breakfasting on cheese steaks, a Philly favorite (we enjoyed the grease at Lee's Deli, 47th and Baltimore), it was time for the "Running of the Shar Peis." This unique Village event, which occurs only when the Chinese Lunar New Year corresponds to the end of January, is a joyous madcap happening. Two hundred Chinese Shar Peis are released from the Penn Vet school where they have been fattening all year and are chased around the Penn campus on foot, bicycle and rickshaw. Better be in training for this marathon, which lasts all day. Monday Evening The Running of the Shar Peis ends, for the lucky few who can get reservations, at the Gold Standard Cafe and Grill, 48th and Baltimore where Joey the Chef barbecues Shar Peis on an outdoor grill. Inside by a roaring fire, Roger and Vince tell tales of bygone years when the Gold Standard was a "cheaters' restaurant" on 47th Street. If you're lucky, you'll hear Roger tell the story of when the IRS invaded his old restaurant on the Penn Campus and confiscated his liquor license. After that, it's off to Melanie's Basement for disco dancing, hos and blow. Special limousine service is available through the night to Philadelphia International Airport, where we recuperated in the First Class Lounge while awaiting our return to Goshen, Indiana. We heard that the not-so-lucky survivors were hauled away by the Mennonite Relief Ambulances in the morning, who run a special service to the Emergency Room at Mercy Hospital. IF YOU GO Pack light -- all the alcohol and drugs you'll need for a 36-hour stay are available on site. If you're not traveling with personal bodyguards, we recommend Cassidy Stone Soldiers. Bring plenty of condoms and changes of underclothing. Dress warm -- average temperatures in Philly at this time of year range from the low teens to subzero.