Power Outage Traced to Amish “Evangelistic Crusade”

FBI spokesperson Harvey Glasser revealed today that the investigation of last week’s historic power outage has led to a radical Amish group in Holmes County, Ohio. The fringe group, known as the Amish Druid Liberation Front (ADLF), which began a mass evangelistic “crusade” in early August, is being investigated for possible connections to the blackout which left 50 million without electricity in the northeastern US and Canada.
“These deceptively harmless ‘plain people,’ whose highly questionable lifestyle involves living without such modern conveniences as TV, cars, and the Internet, may in fact be harboring eco-terrorists,” Glasser said in a statement Monday. “Under their guise of simply clad, pious farmers, the Holmes County Amish are nurturing a counter-cultural lifestyle that is an affront to the American principles of fast food, television-induced brain damage, and atmospherically hazardous SUVs.” The ADLF has been conducting open-air evangelistic meetings in Ohio, even intruding into the lives of normal Americans by performing the sinister rite of “barn-raising” in suburban backyards, and drag-racing their horse-drawn buggies on Interstate 80.

Yoney Hochstetler, a former Amish bishop and a sociologist at Southern Northeast Ohio University, claims that “martyrs” who lose their lives in falls from barns or buggy accidents are believed to spend the afterlife in the Amish Paradise, or “Lieberhimmel” with up to three sexually experienced Pennsylvania Dutch virgins. He speculated that ADLF fanatics may have plotted to bring down the electrical grid to show North American heathens the error of their ways.

The ADLF was founded in 1999 by Amos Stolzfus, an Amish druid from New York’s Lower East Side, who drowned in the East River during a mass baptism on the eve of the millennium when he was knocked unconscious by a passing garbage scow. The movement quickly spread among disgruntled young Amish in Holmes County and Lancaster County, PA.

Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge, former governor of Pennsylvania, stated that he had “already had my eye on those subversive Amishmen” and was investigating ties to al-Qaeda. “Al-Qaeda martyrs get 86.7 virgins, while the Amish get only three. This doesn’t make the Amish any less dangerous.”

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